Happy Mother’s Day ! I have always celebrated this day with you and now I terribly miss you. I miss your beautiful smile, your sweet voice, your fragrance, your presence around me. I miss everything about you. Since the day you left us, the only person I wanted to talk about losing you was you. Accumulation of these feelings in my heart did more harm than good. So I decided to write this letter to you. I wish my words to reach you magically in some way.
I got hurt when you were hospitalized and no matter how hard I tried to make you recognize me, you didn’t respond to anything. All I could do was seeing your eyes with so many unanswered questions and unexpressed feelings. I did not expect you to die at the age of 73, because early this year, you were as lively as always. Your death came too soon, too fast.
You always kept bragging on how good I am at my studies, on how I got this prize or that title, on how good I am doing at my job, on how I have grown into a lady, on how your friends really like me. I must tell you mumma, it made me feel like the super girl who can do anything. Losing you feels like losing my superpowers.
You drifted away too soon. You know I love you too much but I did not get the chance to tell you that I super idolized you for being an excellent teacher, a super independent woman, for raising Papa and Chachu, for spoiling me with your gifts, for calling me regularly even when I forgot to, for forcing me to eat more, for loving all of us but loving me a little more and that I tagged you as the coolest and greatest Grandmother in this world.
Festivals and Birthdays will be much colder without you Mumma. I am glad I could come home for this Diwali. But I never knew that it would turn out to be my last diwali celebration with you.
There will be no one to nag me now, no one to tell me a cheerful ‘Gudnite’, no one to pamper me for no reason, no one to narrate me the same stories again and again; and no one to cry secretly every time I leave home for work and smile uncontrollably when I come for vacation. There will be no more of watching loud daily soaps with you, no more pep talks during exams, no more family discussions,no more curd ritual while leaving for important task, no more singing of ding-ding diwali song with you, no more tally sessions of your bank accounts.
You were supposed to wait for me to get married and then spoil my kids. You were supposed to take first salary gifts from your grandsons.
You are gone now.
You were wonderful mumma. You were the kind of person who had so many stories to tell, so many persons to name, so many lessons to teach. You always held yourself with pride and dignity. The position and respect that you earned in the family and society is a real source of inspiration for all of us. I have never seen Dadaji but I know him in and out just because of your stories. You were a real fighter. You were tough and you did hold on for a long time. I know, you’ve been through a lot of pain because I watched you suffer and I am sorry I could not relieve your pain. I am sorry for not being there when you would have called me in times of your suffering. I am sorry for spending lesser time with you when you were fit and fine; and I was busy working on my goals. I am sorry if it is only now that I am realizing this, way too late. I am sorry.
Wherever you are, I want to tell you that there were so many people who showed up upon hearing about your death. They love you as much as I do. Some were your students, some were our relatives and the rest were those who were with you all your life. I also want to tell you that we are all doing well and you should not worry too much about us.
You have taken a part of us with yourself as you started the heavenly journey towards your precious place. If I get a chance to see you again, I am going to hug you in a way that I have never done before.
Miss you Mumma !